There’s no such thing as nasty girls is there?

As featured online @ Daily Telegraph on 7 October 2015

These are the devastating results that occur when you write a Bachelor recap on your own love life:

We open on Matty at the beach, shirtless of course, looking out at the glistening water. A hopeful voiceover accompanies a thoughtful expression.

“Two older women are vicariously living their love-life through me. I feel so humbled.”

Wait, no, that’s not a voice-over; he’s actually talking to himself. An elderly woman walks past with her pet bulldog. She looks at him like he’s a weirdo. It’s okay, lady — he IS a weirdo.

“They’ve set me up on a date with this cute girl named Elle,” Matty talks/narrates. “She’s mid-twenties, from Sydney and works for a magazine. I can really see myself falling in love with Elle and spending the rest of my life with her. Even though we haven’t met yet.”

Half the time Matty is normal, calm, pragmatic Matty. The other half he’s overthinking, overtaxed, Nina from Offspring Matty.

Having been given cute girl Elle’s details, he can’t decide how to make contact with her so he makes a “chatterbox” to decide for him.

“I want to ask Elle out, but how to do it I’m not sure. I want to come across as good with the ladies, just like Jude Law...” Matty sings.

He peels back a flap that reads: send a letter via carrier pigeon. He decides to just pick up the phone and call.

He calls, no answer. He leaves a voice message to call him back. Gets a text message back instead. He calls again later but doesn’t leave a voice message. Gets another text telling him when to call a third time.

Nina from Offspring Matty returns.

This is a bad sign. If she doesn’t have the courage to call back, is it worth it? Twelve hundred dollars for a pair of Jimmy Choo’s isn’t worth it, but chicks buy them all the time. Really, Matty? That’s what just ran through your head? Don’t ever reveal that thought to anyone. Ever.

A third phone call finally reaches its destination. Matty’s keen for coffee. He doesn’t drink coffee but he can’t exactly say “Let’s do tea.”

“Let’s do tea,” says Elle, but she clarifies, “Let’s do dinner.”

Exposition in storytelling is like smooth peanut butter — it just serves no purpose — but the following is (hopefully) endearing to women, so it must be noted. Weirdo Matty irons a shirt (with starch!), showers with exfoliating wash (and a loofah!) and applies MontBlanc aftershave in readiness for his date. A touch of hair product and he’s finished getting ready in just… an hour and forty-five minutes.

On his way to the date, bad signs continue to present themselves — she’s changed the location twice in the last half an hour, and after finally meeting, discussing her family, her work, her hobbies and her recent holiday — all she seems interested in is the wine list.

Poor old Matty prefers to be prompted when discussing his world. He does mention that he too has a sister, but he feels awkward talking about himself when he hasn’t been asked. Finally a question comes.

“You said on the phone you live in Coogee. What’s that like?”

But then that’s it. No more questions. Just silence. Except for a music score perfectly placed by the show’s producer that tells you this is “totes awks” and that Matty is about to make his big move to try and reinvigorate the night.

STRIP TEASE!

Not quite. Matty’s a big time player. Not a player as in womaniser. Player as in he likes to play games. Not games as in nude Twister. Maybe we should just let him explain.

“I call it, 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.”

Plagiarism alert!

“I ask a question and give four alternate answers to each question. I then have to guess which one you’d go with. If I get it wrong, I lose and you don’t ever have to see me again. If I get it right we move on to question two.”

“So how do I win a million dollars?” Cute girl Elle asks.

“You don’t.”

With this new information any interest she has in the game is gone. Matty continues with it anyway, asking question one, “A big name Hollywood director is making a film about your life. Scott Eastwood is down to play your love interest, but there are still four girls in the running to play you. Anne Hathaway, Mila Kunis, Margot Robbie and Jennifer Lawrence.”

“I’ll be back.” She picks up her phone and walks away.

Matty’s confused — is that a hint? Is she saying she wants Arnold Schwarzenegger to play her? Or has she gone off to do the lifeline?

No lifeline, but she does return having made a phone call, “So tell me, what it’s like living in Coogee?”

I’m sorry, Drew Barrymore from 50 First Dates, but you’ve already him asked that and he’s already answered. He politely answers again and has another go at the game, making things more relative with question two, “If you could be on the front cover of any magazine, what would it be? Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Vanity Fair or Horse and Hound?”

Ah, a Notting Hill gag, that’s clever. But it’s obvious she doesn’t watch movies because she thinks she’s just been described as a dog. She stands again, “I have to run to the ladies.”

By now, Bachie Matty should be wise enough to know that Elle’s driving a utility truck and he’s being towed with the rope around his man area at the back of it. But he still tries to remain upbeat: You don’t tell your body when you need to go to the bathroom.

Your body tells you. Again, one of those thoughts that no one should ever find out about.

Such understanding dissipates when she returns coming off yet another phone call.

“Sorry about that, you said you live in Coogee, yeah?”

Matty’s never been disrespectful on a date ever, but is seriously thinking about payback here — bringing out his inner Sally Albright and breaking into the loudest, most-passionate orgasm sound ever. He doesn’t, mainly due to the fact that with his deep voice he’d sound like a foghorn, and because he remembers what his mother used to say to him when he was younger.

“Stop kicking the football around the living room, I’m trying to watch Party of Five.”

No, not that. This …

“Don’t ever deliberately embarrass a girl unless you’re putting a ring on her finger.”

Caption: Sally Albright (Meg Ryan) from When Harry Met Sally.

He doesn’t get to answer the Coogee question for a third time as she chimes in again, “My friends in a cab out the front. I’m gonna go and have a drink with him.”

Him? Well this night is just full of surprises, but not good Bachelor surprises like a surprise rose, or a surprise piece of jewellery, or even a surprise kiss. How terribly insulting.

“It’s okay, he’s gay.”

Well that makes it better then.

She skips off leaving Matty feeling, well, rather hurt. Offspring Nina returns and he’s back asking himself a number of questions.

There are nasty boys but there’s no such thing as nasty girls is there? She had to be aware that she was being really rude right? And yet she kept it up. I don’t have a broken heart because there were no feelings there, but why does it still hurt? It’s not rejection because that’s happened heaps of times before. So why is it?

The waitress comes over and places a hand on his shoulder, “Matty, you haven’t received a rose. Take some time and say your goodbyes.”

Actually no, she doesn’t say that. She says, “Are you okay? For what it’s worth I would love for any man to play a game like that with me. I’d choose Thandie Newton. I reckon she’s cool.”

Matty leaves the mansion (restaurant) and gets in his limo (Mazda 3). He complains to the producer about how messed up love is, how ironic it was that Elle couldn’t make a phone call prior to the date, but made two during, and how there was no ice-cream on the dessert menu.

Truth is much of this story was manipulated for higher ratings. I mean, much of this recap was softened as to not paint Elle too negatively.

Maybe she’s not normally like that. Maybe she was just having a bad day.

Truth is, Matty didn’t complain at all; he wasn’t angry or bitter or hateful; he was just disappointed. How did the two previously mentioned older women (who he adores and respects) get this blind-date thing so wrong? How did they misjudge his character so badly that he would be into a girl like this? He guesses they were only trying to help.

The drive home was therapeutic; within five minutes Matty was singing along to Kate Ceberano’s Pash on the radio while looking to the bright side — maybe Tom Gleisner will invite him to be a guest quizmaster on “Have You Been Paying Attention?”

And maybe the next date will be better.

The search goes ever on.