I tried stand-up comedy. Was I funny? You be the judge.

Warren Buffett (the guy who started Sizzler) once said that in order to grow as a person, you should make a habit of facing your fears. 

I fear hundreds of things, but there are three things in particular I’ve always feared above everything else. They are: 

• My parents' backyard at night;

• Women; and

• Doing stand-up comedy.

I probably won't ever face the first two, but thought I’d try the third and see how scary it is. 

And by God it was as frightening as I thought it would be. 

It was at the basement comedy club at Morris House on Exhibition Street. The crowd was about sixty strong, and I was allocated three minutes for my set.

I decided to dumb down my persona, and go with the following script, which I wrote and memorised:

##

Hi. (feign shame - a whole lot of shame).

I made a mistake. 

I’ve come here straight from my mum’s house.

(Reveal A2 sized poster of a bottle of milk)

I texted her to see if she needed me to pick anything up on the way, and she wrote back, “I need A2 Milk.”

Unfortunately it’s not the first time this kind of thing has happened. 

Last week mum invited me around to her and dad’s house for a barbecue lunch. She said she was making hamburgers. She asked me to get mince from the shop, and I turned up with a packet of Mentos.

I got this (the A2 poster) made at Officeworks and I have to say… they really do have everything. They even have royalty. 

The teenage girl behind the counter asked me how many prints I wanted. And I was like, “Prince?!”

I couldn’t help but think of the irony that the teenage girl might have Prince Andrew hidden out the back, when normally it’s the other way around. 

(Minor pivot)

I used to take the Monash Freeway to get to my mum’s house. But not any more, because it traumatises me. 

A month ago, I was doing a hundred down the Monash with a woman in the passenger seat that I’d been dating for about a day and a half. 

Approaching the Toorak Rd Exit, I turned to her and said, “I love you.”

She said she thought we were moving too fast. So, I put my foot on the brake and told her again. 

I caused a four car pile-up, but that was nothing compared to the damage her rejection caused when it smashed into my heart. (Feign heartbreak. Maybe even cry a bit).

(Pivot)

I don’t do very well with women. (Feign self-loathing).

The first date I ever went on was back in two-thousand and… twenty-four, and I didn’t really know how to prepare for it, so I googled the Internet for advice. 

The dating website’s advice was split into three sections – before the date, during the date, and after the date. 

The first bit of before the date advice was – shave your legs. So I did. 

I scrolled down and the next bit of advice was, ‘don’t wear your nanny bra.’ It was only then that I realised it was a dating website for women. 

In my haste to shave my legs, I’d left them covered in cuts and bruises. 

I’d read somewhere Mariah Carey had her legs insured, so I rang the RACV. They told me they only insured cars, not legs.

I Googled good locations for a first date – and it said, ‘go somewhere that’s casual where she'll feel comfortable and relaxed.’ 

So I took her to the Victorian Marriage Registry. 

I thought it would be romantic – me getting down on one knee in front of the service desk – but she ran off before we even got to the front entrance, and I never saw her again. 

(Pivot)

Normally I don’t screw things up on the first date, I screw them up when just talking to a woman.

Like two weeks ago at Woolies. I was standing at the banana display when this woman walked over and stood nearby.

I started singing the song from the banana commercial… "Banana-na-na-na… make those bodies sing."

I then turned to the woman and said, “I could make your body sing.” (Feign embarrassment).

I didn’t mean it like that. I just wanted to show her I was a good singer, and could sing good love songs to her. 

(Minor pause)

The same thing happened last week at the dog park. I went over to this woman and asked what kind of dog she had.

She said it was a golden retriever crossed with a poodle. She said it was called a golden doodle. I said, “Hey, I’ve got one of them.” (Feign more embarrassment).

I asked her if she liked to play with hers and she said, “Yes," and I said, “Me too!” (Feign more embarrassment).

I think I need some relationship coaching. I hear Bill Clinton is available, maybe I should talk to him. 

I have to leave now. Justin Timberlake is giving me a lift home and I don’t want to keep him waiting. 

Thanks everyone.

##

So, was I well received? In all seriousness... mostly.

There was a consistent stream of laughs, however I don't think some in the audience got the opening A2 gag, nor Bill Clinton being a serial cheater and the last person you'd go to for relationship advice, nor that Justin Timberlake was done for DUI last year and therefore would be the worst possible person that could be driving me home.

All in all, it was a fun experience, and one that made me appreciate the skills of those who do stand-up full-time. The writing, the performance, the delivery, the timing, the creativity and the engaging with an audience are just a handful of aspects stand-ups make look so easy, but are in fact very difficult to master.

So, will I take the stage again any time soon? Not sure. Maybe.

If I do, I think I'll play myself next time, rather than a relationshippy-challenged dingleberry.

And I think I'll tell the truth, as opposed to the above script, of which every word is a lie.

Even the opening sentence of this column is a lie. Warren Buffet didn't start Sizzler and he never said anything about facing your fears. I just thought it sounded it good.