I sought relationship advice from a fortune teller. The future looks bleak.

It all began during a chill session with my friend Jayde*.

Jayde* looks a bit like this:

Jayde and I like to ask one another strange questions when we hang out. Like...

• If you could be a mannequin for an hour, what clothing store would you be a mannequin in?

  
  

• Name the best three years of your life so far.

  
  

• Name one personality trait you got from your parents that you like, and one that you don't like.

The other day when we were hanging out, Jayde asked me, "What's one thing you wish you had certainty on, but won't know until it happens?"

My answer was pretty simple, and pretty obvious, "Probably if I'm going to find a life partner."

"Fair enough," she said, "Although you could probably find that out now."

I asked how, to which she replied:

*That's not Jayde's voice. She doesn't sound like a four-year-old. I used Text to Voice to protect her identity, and accidentally put it at like, 38 per cent speed. For those who couldn't make sense of what she said, she said, "You need a psychic."

"It's not really my thing," I admitted.

"So you've done it before then?" she asked.

It was a good point – How do you know if something is not your thing if you've never done it before?

Probably the same way I know walking barefoot across hot coals isn't my thing. Because even though I haven't done it, I know it'd burn the living crap out of my feet.

So maybe it wasn't such a good point.

Still, I'd become more open-minded to the idea of seeing a psychic, albeit slightly.

I went home and Googled and Youtube'd some stuff on psychics, crystal balls and palm readings, came to the conclusion of, 'what harm could it do?' And texted Jayde the next morning.

Her responding text was brain haemorrhage inducing:

Sorry, before I continue, let us pay homage to the totally hot pic I texted her of Me and Ana De Armas. Because we really do look like the most perfect couple ever.

Sorry, now back to Jayde's text message –

Why would somebody give advice on seeing a psychic, when they've NEVER SEEN A PSYCHIC THEMSELVES?!

Of course, that was the end of that. If I didn't have someone referring me to a psychic, then there was no way I was going to see a psychic.

Except that there was.

I've always been the kind of person who likes to try certain things once. Mainly just for the conversation. Y'know, so that when you're standing among a group of friends and one of them asks, "Have you ever been skydiving?" I can say, "Yeah, and I cried the whole way down."

Or if one of the friends asks, "Have you ever chatted up a female contestant from The Bachelor?" I can say, "Yeah, she rejected me, and I cried for a whole hour."

And so it was decided. I was going to see a psychic, so that if I was ever standing among a group of friends and one of them asked, "Have you ever seen a psychic?" I could say, "Yes."

I picked up the phone and rang a number for a fortune teller that operated within driving distance, was told of a cancellation that afternoon, booked it in, and attended a few hours later.

When I got there, it was all dark and moody. The fortune teller invited me to take a seat opposite her at the table. Her hands were bare except for what looked like fake tattoos on her pointer fingers. She rubbed what looked like coffee grounds on her hands, and then washed them with a watering can over a gold spray-painted metal bucket.

In front of her lay four decks of cards, each sitting underneath a small carved and sandpapered rock. She took the pack that lay furthest to the left. My left, not her left. And then she said a riddle, that went something along the lines of...

"The dark is cold and light sublime.

"There's much to gain but forego.

"Good fortune will be there in time,

"What is it you would like to know?"

She then flipped over the first card from the deck and answered her own question, "It relates to love."

'Okay,' I thought, 'That's not bad, for a fortune teller. But anyone could have made that educated guess.'

She flipped over another card and expanded on her answer, "Actually, the absence of love."

All right, that was a little freaky.

I'm not going to go into every single card that was flipped and every assessment she made, other than to say her final fortune teller premonition-thing was:

"You'll meet a woman named Kelly who, when asked by your wedding celebrant if she promises to love you through sickness and health, will actually pause and reconsider, because once she says 'I do,' she knows her name will be Kelly Kelly for the rest of her life."

Actually, the fortune teller didn't say that. In truth, she basically said that love might happen, but that it also might not. Which, of course, I knew before I even went in there.

That's 80 bucks I'll never get back.

I caught up with Jayde a few days later and told her how things with the fortune teller went. And we once again asked each other some strange questions.

One of the questions I asked was, 'What's the one thing I do that annoys you the most?"

Although I should have already known what her answer would be.

"The ridiculous amount of Ana De Armas images you text me," she said, "Where, on the accompanying male body, you've photoshopped your own head."

*Jayde is not her real name.