Body language experts have been judging the big celebrities. So I decided to get in on it.

Body language experts have been judging everyone (Meghan Markle and Kamala Harris mainly).

And I felt left out.

So, I decided to get in on it.

Last week I spent the day with the two nephews, the niece, and the best mates' two young blokes, at Gumbuya World.

I took some photos and wanted them judged.

None of the world's best body language readers would answer my calls or reply to my emails, so I showed the pics to local pensioner Bessie-Mae who was sitting outside Baker's Delight, and asked if she would share her thoughts on my body language.

To my good fortune, Bessie-Mae said she would happily do it because she was, "a total freak at kinesics."

Whatever kinesics means.

She told it meant the study of body language.

Cool.

So, below are my photos and what Bessie-Mae had to say about them.

Photo One.

Bessie-Mae said: That's you squeezing a cow's teat. The half-smile suggests you rate yourself at squeezing teats, but that you're scared witless the cow may lash out and kick you in the face.

Photo Two.

Bessie-Mae said: You're in a dodgem car with your niece. Your appearance here seems to suggest you have just eyed-off two middle-aged mothers in a nearby dodgem car, and have decided you will recklessly t-bone them as soon as the cars power-up. The sideways placement of your hat tells me your trying to appear like a bad-ass uncle. The look on your niece's face tells me she isn't fooled – she knows you're a weirdo snowflake who listens to Mariah Carey in your spare time.

Photo Three.

Bessie-Mae said: You are watching a man sheering a sheep. You look highly triggered by this moment, as the sheering is a reminder you are losing your own hair and will have to shave it all off quite soon. Your bicep has been photo-shopped.

Photo Four.

Bessie-Mae said: You're on the tea cup ride with your nephew. He looks like a cool, smart little guy. He also looks humiliated that you took him on the tea cup ride instead of something more befitting of both your ages – like a rollercoaster. You look like you spotted a hot female ride operator operating the tea cup ride, and that you bribed your nephew to go on it with you, so that the hot operator lady would be impressed by you. She wasn't. She thought you were a tosspot.

Photo Five.

Bessie-Mae says: You look like you're trying to hide the fact the kid at the back just gave you a wedgie. The kid at the back looks like he's celebrating having given you a wedgie. Your niece has such a nice smile that she will be on an ad for Colgate when she's older.

Photo Six.

Bessie-Mae says: WTF is this? Are you dry-humping a statue of Elle Macpherson?

*Note: Bessie-Mae was shown 'Photo Six' by accident. And no, I was not dry-humping the Elle Macpherson statue. It was just a hug, and the camera flash happened to go off the split second I had a misleading expression on my face.

In conclusion, I don't think Bessie-Mae was the body language expert she claimed to be, even though she guessed most of the photos right – except for the wedgie part.

So I think I'm going to leave the body language stuff to Meghan and Kamala and all of the body language experts, and I'll stick to what I'm good at...

Looking after the kids and being a super-cool uncle... who listens to Mariah Carey in his spare time.